I don’t know how it goes for you, but for me, Halloween always approaches far faster than I am ready for. It seems not all that long ago that I was telling my friends “Halloween!? That’s months away! Why are you planning for it already?” Well, I may be dumb, but I won’t let you be. Here are my BOOvier ten tips for surviving this spooky holiday:

1. A good friend of mine complained that the only choice women have for Halloween costumes is to be a “slutty blank.” In other words: slutty bunny, slutty pirate, slutty slut slut, slutty Star Jones. You know – slutty _____. Well guess what guys (gays)? It’s true for you too! Ok, maybe not slutty but at the very least somewhat attractive. So pick a costume that fits your body, and for Gaga’s sake, please don’t quit the gym and hit your holiday hungerforce until after our sacred 31st. It’s your last chance to prove to the world you have abs before you cover them with turkey, stuffing, and beer.
2. The place for fright is around you, not on you! Do a few simple things to make your home spooky. It doesn’t have to be expensive either! Grab a couple orange light bulbs, a strobe lamp, and some cotton batting to get things to a good start, and you’re still well under $20, if not under $10, Mr(s). Smart Shopper. Plus all the dim lighting hides those unsightly bags under your eyes from partying too much. YES, I’M LOOKING AT YOU!
3. Candy corn. It tastes good once a year, but the fun never lasts longer than a quarter of a bag. Jewel will try to trick you by having buy one get one free. Then you spend the next six months slowly picking away at the bag when you’ve forgotten to go grocery shopping and don’t have the energy to leave the house. It’s a sad story that is best avoided by a) being frugal and b) starving.
4. BATTERIES! Two things here. One: Any Halloween relic that can receive the magical power of DC current is inherently better than it’s copper-lacking counterparts. Two: As such, you should prepare by having plenty of spare batteries on hand. If you prepare far enough in advance you can eBay the things for cheaper than that weird lube you use so you don’t stain your sheets. By this point, though, you’ll need to buy them at the store. I recommend a dollar store if you can find them there. Or steal them from the lesbian upstairs neighbor that keeps you up at night.
5. OK. This honestly sounds quite horrible and on almost any other night I wouldn’t advocate it buttttttt… Don’t commit to just one thing Halloween night! You’ll want to move around from party to party and that’s ok! It’s like adult trick-or-treating. You ring the bell, have some punch, and get out before it gets messy! Rack up those invites, let your friends know in advance you’ll be stopping by for a short bit, and let the night lead you where it may.
6. Bring protection. No – not mace, or a knife, or a gun (unless it’s part of your costume.) I’m talking condoms. With all those aforementioned sexy costumes, you might just find yourself in a, ahem, sticky situation Despite what your pregnant girlfriend told you in high school, plastic wrap, pulling out, sticking to oral, toothpaste, oreos, hammers, etc are not valid ways of staying safe and protected in bed. Be safe and you’ll be happy two weeks later when you aren’t dripping at the urinal and biting your tongue to keep from screaming in pain.
7. Candy! Hey, even us elder folk will pick up some candy along the way this year and that’s ok! But don’t let the sugar rush get to your head! Keep just one of each type of candy you get and you’ll be AOK. Unless it’s peanut butter cups. You can’t have them, they’re mine.
8. Some of my friends are going to hate me for this one; Don’t wear an obvious costume! Every year there are a few costumes that everyone is doing. Last year it was Sarah Palin. A couple years earlier it was The Crocodile Hunter. This year, you guessed it, Lady Gaga. Here’s the thing – it isn’t clever, nobody will remember you did it, and chances are, yours will not be the best. Unless you are planning on investing a lot of time AND money, just move on. Be creative about life. Be unique.
9. Try to get away with reasonably comfortable shoes; chances are, you’ll be doing a lot of walking. Your friends will be all too happy to ditch you when you complain that your feet hurt and you don’t want to hit that next awesome party. And then when the pictures end up on Facebook the next day you will regret having not gone. I’m not telling you to wear Crocs (EW) but perhaps stay away from the 10″ stilettos that you’ve never walked in before. This is not the night to learn how to balance on stilts.
10. Take $20 from your budget for the evening (I know you have one of those, right?) and put it in a hidden pocket in your wallet. Juuuuuuust in case you need some emergency money for a cab home or to bribe a police officer so he won’t arrest you for public indecency after you attempt peeing behind a dumpster. You’ll be glad you have it.

Well, there you have it! Feel free to leave some extra credit tips in the comments, and have a happy and safe Halloween!