Let’s face it, after using a public restroom, you probably want to wash your hands. That is – unless you are one of the gross people who don’t. It’s the people who don’t that cause todays topic – How to use a public restroom properly.
You might not thing that this is something that people need more education on, but you are wrong. Public restrooms are, perhaps, some of the most annoying places on earth. I aim (pun!) to enlighten at least a few people in my new quest to make it a little less… nasty.
- Upon entering the bathroom, find a stall that is not immediately next to one that is occupied, if at all possible. If there are 10 urinals, for example, why are you peeing right next to me? Actually, I know the answer to that question so please don’t answer it. This goes for the sit downs too. I don’t need to hear your poop. Thanks.
- Don’t talk to me! Save the chatter for outside the restroom. Unless there is toilet paper stuck to my shoe, please remain quiet.
- Wash your hands – with soap! I seriously don’t know what planet people come from where they teach their kids to slop up their hands and then get it wet but if you aren’t using soap you may as well just skip the whole process. The exception here is if there is nothing to dry your hands on…
- Dry your hands! What’s more gross than grabbing the handle on the bathroom door to find it wet with some strangers ghost? NOTHING!
Finally, what inspired this whole rant is a rather curious practice. Most bathrooms have one of these:
They’re wonderful, but what do you do when you get to the door? You just cleaned up and now you have to touch a potentially very nasty door. Oh, look how handy, they’ve placed a bin right next to the door so you can open the door with a piece of paper towel and then toss it out! Except they usually look like this:
Well what the hell is the point of that? Trading one dirty touch for another? BAH.
BONUS!
Cottonelle’s survey of America found that over is by far the preferred way to roll your toilet paper! Finally, something that makes sense 
For all the reasons why over is the right way, check out Current Config.
So now that I’ve vented and shared all of my bathroom pet peeves with you, share yours in the comments!
I have the most incredible friends in the world. They even call me when they think of me at 2:20am! This is one of the more amusing voicemail messages I’ve ever received. Kudos to Google Voice for even attempting to transcribe this dish.
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I always forget to buy milk when I get Oreos. I actually just wondered if it is acceptable to have red wine as a substitute. Fear not, I decided the answer was “no.”
Dear future Mr. Boov,
Thank you for posing for this picture.
I promise I’ll do a more original post soon, but I was born on Thanksgiving, so I feel that I should speak with authority on this topic: Things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
- ME! If it weren’t for Thanksgiving, I wouldn’t be here. Seriously. I know some of you are thinking “if Thanksgiving didn’t exist, you would have been born on another day.” You are wrong! If Thanksgiving didn’t exist, I would be lost in oblivion. My Mom would have been pregnant one day, and the next she would have been back to her original size, without child. It’s like that time David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear. Except way less rad.
- Not getting salmonella poisoning. Oh yes, that turkey you are about to eat is just crawling with bacteria. I’m very thankful every time I eat a turkey and don’t have raging diarrhea and voluminous vomit immediately thereafter.
- Shampoo commercials. That’s where I got the idea to use “voluminous” in a sentence. It was a challenge. Jordan: I challenge you to use the word voluminous in a sentence and have it not be all Hairography and such.
- Glee! True Gleeks will understand the connection between #3 and #4. If you don’t, boo at you!
Parmesan cheese and brown sugar (not together). There’s not a thing on this planet that can’t be made better with the addition of one of these two magical food groups. You can try to defy me, but I wouldn’t recommend it.- Having a job. I have a job so I am thankful for this. If you don’t have a job I recommend that you be thankful for something else. Like free time to paint, or being able to get drunk at 1pm on a Tuesday without getting fired.
- The internet. What would you do without it!?
- Stuffing. It’s the best part of Thanksgiving that isn’t me. Love it with your tongue long time.
But most of all, be thankful for your friends and family. The people who every day of the year share in your happiness, deal with your issues, support and love you, grow with you, and other sappy things as well. They’re the reason Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.
Happy Thanksgiving, folks!
