Let’s face it, after using a public restroom, you probably want to wash your hands. That is – unless you are one of the gross people who don’t. It’s the people who don’t that cause todays topic – How to use a public restroom properly.
You might not thing that this is something that people need more education on, but you are wrong. Public restrooms are, perhaps, some of the most annoying places on earth. I aim (pun!) to enlighten at least a few people in my new quest to make it a little less… nasty.
- Upon entering the bathroom, find a stall that is not immediately next to one that is occupied, if at all possible. If there are 10 urinals, for example, why are you peeing right next to me? Actually, I know the answer to that question so please don’t answer it. This goes for the sit downs too. I don’t need to hear your poop. Thanks.
- Don’t talk to me! Save the chatter for outside the restroom. Unless there is toilet paper stuck to my shoe, please remain quiet.
- Wash your hands – with soap! I seriously don’t know what planet people come from where they teach their kids to slop up their hands and then get it wet but if you aren’t using soap you may as well just skip the whole process. The exception here is if there is nothing to dry your hands on…
- Dry your hands! What’s more gross than grabbing the handle on the bathroom door to find it wet with some strangers ghost? NOTHING!
Finally, what inspired this whole rant is a rather curious practice. Most bathrooms have one of these:
They’re wonderful, but what do you do when you get to the door? You just cleaned up and now you have to touch a potentially very nasty door. Oh, look how handy, they’ve placed a bin right next to the door so you can open the door with a piece of paper towel and then toss it out! Except they usually look like this:
Well what the hell is the point of that? Trading one dirty touch for another? BAH.
BONUS!
Cottonelle’s survey of America found that over is by far the preferred way to roll your toilet paper! Finally, something that makes sense 
For all the reasons why over is the right way, check out Current Config.
So now that I’ve vented and shared all of my bathroom pet peeves with you, share yours in the comments!
I promise I’ll do a more original post soon, but I was born on Thanksgiving, so I feel that I should speak with authority on this topic: Things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
- ME! If it weren’t for Thanksgiving, I wouldn’t be here. Seriously. I know some of you are thinking “if Thanksgiving didn’t exist, you would have been born on another day.” You are wrong! If Thanksgiving didn’t exist, I would be lost in oblivion. My Mom would have been pregnant one day, and the next she would have been back to her original size, without child. It’s like that time David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear. Except way less rad.
- Not getting salmonella poisoning. Oh yes, that turkey you are about to eat is just crawling with bacteria. I’m very thankful every time I eat a turkey and don’t have raging diarrhea and voluminous vomit immediately thereafter.
- Shampoo commercials. That’s where I got the idea to use “voluminous” in a sentence. It was a challenge. Jordan: I challenge you to use the word voluminous in a sentence and have it not be all Hairography and such.
- Glee! True Gleeks will understand the connection between #3 and #4. If you don’t, boo at you!
Parmesan cheese and brown sugar (not together). There’s not a thing on this planet that can’t be made better with the addition of one of these two magical food groups. You can try to defy me, but I wouldn’t recommend it.- Having a job. I have a job so I am thankful for this. If you don’t have a job I recommend that you be thankful for something else. Like free time to paint, or being able to get drunk at 1pm on a Tuesday without getting fired.
- The internet. What would you do without it!?
- Stuffing. It’s the best part of Thanksgiving that isn’t me. Love it with your tongue long time.
But most of all, be thankful for your friends and family. The people who every day of the year share in your happiness, deal with your issues, support and love you, grow with you, and other sappy things as well. They’re the reason Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.
Happy Thanksgiving, folks!
I don’t know how it goes for you, but for me, Halloween always approaches far faster than I am ready for. It seems not all that long ago that I was telling my friends “Halloween!? That’s months away! Why are you planning for it already?” Well, I may be dumb, but I won’t let you be. Here are my BOOvier ten tips for surviving this spooky holiday:
- A good friend of mine complained that the only choice women have for Halloween costumes is to be a “slutty blank.” In other words: slutty bunny, slutty pirate, slutty slut slut, slutty Star Jones. You know – slutty _____. Well guess what guys (gays)? It’s true for you too! Ok, maybe not slutty but at the very least somewhat attractive. So pick a costume that fits your body, and for Gaga’s sake, please don’t quit the gym and hit your holiday hungerforce until after our sacred 31st. It’s your last chance to prove to the world you have abs before you cover them with turkey, stuffing, and beer.
- The place for fright is around you, not on you! Do a few simple things to make your home spooky. It doesn’t have to be expensive either! Grab a couple orange light bulbs, a strobe lamp, and some cotton batting to get things to a good start, and you’re still well under $20, if not under $10, Mr(s). Smart Shopper. Plus all the dim lighting hides those unsightly bags under your eyes from partying too much. YES, I’M LOOKING AT YOU!
- Candy corn. It tastes good once a year, but the fun never lasts longer than a quarter of a bag. Jewel will try to trick you by having buy one get one free. Then you spend the next six months slowly picking away at the bag when you’ve forgotten to go grocery shopping and don’t have the energy to leave the house. It’s a sad story that is best avoided by a) being frugal and b) starving.
- BATTERIES! Two things here. One: Any Halloween relic that can receive the magical power of DC current is inherently better than it’s copper-lacking counterparts. Two: As such, you should prepare by having plenty of spare batteries on hand. If you prepare far enough in advance you can eBay the things for cheaper than that weird lube you use so you don’t stain your sheets. By this point, though, you’ll need to buy them at the store. I recommend a dollar store if you can find them there. Or steal them from the lesbian upstairs neighbor that keeps you up at night.
OK. This honestly sounds quite horrible and on almost any other night I wouldn’t advocate it buttttttt… Don’t commit to just one thing Halloween night! You’ll want to move around from party to party and that’s ok! It’s like adult trick-or-treating. You ring the bell, have some punch, and get out before it gets messy! Rack up those invites, let your friends know in advance you’ll be stopping by for a short bit, and let the night lead you where it may.- Bring protection. No – not mace, or a knife, or a gun (unless it’s part of your costume.) I’m talking condoms. With all those aforementioned sexy costumes, you might just find yourself in a, ahem, sticky situation
Despite what your pregnant girlfriend told you in high school, plastic wrap, pulling out, sticking to oral, toothpaste, oreos, hammers, etc are not valid ways of staying safe and protected in bed. Be safe and you’ll be happy two weeks later when you aren’t dripping at the urinal and biting your tongue to keep from screaming in pain. - Candy! Hey, even us elder folk will pick up some candy along the way this year and that’s ok! But don’t let the sugar rush get to your head! Keep just one of each type of candy you get and you’ll be AOK. Unless it’s peanut butter cups. You can’t have them, they’re mine.
- Some of my friends are going to hate me for this one; Don’t wear an obvious costume! Every year there are a few costumes that everyone is doing. Last year it was Sarah Palin. A couple years earlier it was The Crocodile Hunter. This year, you guessed it, Lady Gaga. Here’s the thing – it isn’t clever, nobody will remember you did it, and chances are, yours will not be the best. Unless you are planning on investing a lot of time AND money, just move on. Be creative about life. Be unique.
Try to get away with reasonably comfortable shoes; chances are, you’ll be doing a lot of walking. Your friends will be all too happy to ditch you when you complain that your feet hurt and you don’t want to hit that next awesome party. And then when the pictures end up on Facebook the next day you will regret having not gone. I’m not telling you to wear Crocs (EW) but perhaps stay away from the 10″ stilettos that you’ve never walked in before. This is not the night to learn how to balance on stilts.- Take $20 from your budget for the evening (I know you have one of those, right?) and put it in a hidden pocket in your wallet. Juuuuuuust in case you need some emergency money for a cab home or to bribe a police officer so he won’t arrest you for public indecency after you attempt peeing behind a dumpster. You’ll be glad you have it.
Well, there you have it! Feel free to leave some extra credit tips in the comments, and have a happy and safe Halloween!
Today is one heck of an amazing day. Why is that? Today is the National Equality March in Washington, DC. No longer sparse events scattered throughout the country fighting for equality, but one large gathering from all stretches of the nation on the footsteps of those who can take action against the gross discrimination that we as LGBT people endure.
Among them, our president.
Put aside whether you think he’s moved fast enough or not, the very fact that he showed up at the HRC dinner last night and spoke is monumental. To speak out in favor of equal rights as freely and openly as he did on video, broadcast around the world, is nothing short of brave and commendable. Keep in mind, the only power President Obama has to change laws is to influence Congress to pass laws. And he clearly sent that message last night.
Then there is Lady Gaga. This is a woman who has fought for her celebrity status for years and only just obtained it. And, unlike so many people in the spotlight, she is ready and willing to put everything she has on the line to see bigotry come to a halt. Could it be that she is the ideal we should all strive to be? Not in the pop-icon-weird-as-heck kind of way, but in that she defies labels. She steps over everyone who stands in her way. She does what she herself things is right and beautiful. Whether you like her style or her music, you cannot disagree that she is a force, and to many, a hero. Her rendition of John Lennon’s classic, Imagine, is a tear-worthy and appropriate update to one of the past century’s most gorgeous and touching songs. I’ve watched it a few times now, and every time she sings “And only Matthew in the sky” I begin crying. Can she license the track and release it? I would pay $20 just for the one song if I knew the money went somewhere worthy.
Thank you to everyone who is in Washington today, marching for the people I love.
Have you ever been so ridiculously sad and depressed over absolutely nothing that you just wanted to weep, but realized the ridiculousness in doing so, so you just lay there in bed, ear to the pillow, unable to sleep but aching to drift into a dream that will carry you from that feeling? yeah. What the eff.
Anyway – this weekend was amazing, and drunken. I’m sure pics will start happening soon. Ladyhawke was crazy. Got hit on by some drummer as I walked out of the show but I was too retarded from bad beer to understand. I made $11 at minibar (do I have to claim that on my taxes) by pole-dancing. Nudity was not involved (not even a little nipple). Managed to go swimming in Lake Michigan, naked. Did not make any money for that.
Perhaps I can sleep now. Thank you for listening
This is not to say that I’m never annoying in my “social media” ways – but seriously, some people need to get a clue. Thankfully, here I am to provide one! I present to you: Jordan’s Tips to Avoid Being an Online Nincompoop.
1) Whatever TV show you are watching – nobody cares. Seriously. Unless you are watching a never-before-aired episode of Star Trek: Voyager, I could give two hoots about what you’re doing with the boob tube.
BAD: Just watched the season finale of True Blood. I can’t believe that _______ happened!
OK: Having some folks over tonight to watch Desperate Housewives and drink that case of wine I just bought. Text me if you’d like to join.
GOOD: Just watched the most amazing documentary on the reign of Queen Nefertiti on the History Channel. I found it streaming online, here’s the link.
2) Dumbledore dies. STOP POSTING SPOILERS. You wouldn’t run around the train or bar giving away the ending – don’t do it online. The next person I see posting a spoiler within a week of the release/airtime is going to have the pleasure of receiving daily spoilers from me.
BAD: Any spoilers
OK: Screaming the spoilers into your pillow
GOOD: Keeping your fat mouth shut
3) Display your year of birth / age on your profile. You aren’t fooling anyone. If you don’t have this piece of information there are either too options: you are too young to drink or too old to stay up past 9pm. Quit being so self-conscious about it.
BAD: 11/24 – I’m older than I look! Must be those jeans.
(Ugh – I hate when people mix up genes/jeans)
OK: 11/24/1983
GOOD: 11/24/1983, my SSN is 595-29-8393, I live at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, Washington, DC, and my mother’s last name is Zbornak.
4) “Heading to the gym to work on my legs.” Wonderful. When you’re done working those legs can you give me a piggy back ride to the store? Since you’re so strong and all… It’s great that you work out but unless it’s your first time at the gym or you sweated to the oldies with Richard Simmons himself, it probably isn’t that relevant to anyone online. There is an exception. The Nike + iPod is a freaking crazy great invention and if you let it sync up that is kinda cool.
BAD: I already gave the example.
OK: Just got back to the gym after 6 months on the crutch. My trainer asked me out on a date! Where should we go?
GOOD: Just joined a new gym, the guys there are so hot, check out this one that looks like Zac Efron that I snapped on his way out of the pool.
5) Going to work, Zzzzzzz, eating dinner, etc. There better be something more interesting to it or don’t bother. Here’s an example:
BAD: At work, can’t wait to go home! Posted at 9am.
OK: Just got into work- three hours late and hungover! Going to need a drink again after work – who’s in?
GOOD: Just got in a fight with my boss at work over his stupid tweets. I slapped him and walked out, but not before grabbing that hot accountants ass. Anyone hiring?
6) Posting your relationship status or how much you are in love with your lover. BARF. If I wanted to witness all sorts of lubby-dubby I would go to Steamworks where all the magic happens. But I don’t so I don’t!
BAD: Jordan BOOV is in a relationship with Hando Righto. 12:29pm. / I LOVE MY BABY, HE’S SO CUDDLY AND CUTE! MWAH! 12:41pm / Can’t wait to get home and play with my baby *teehee* xoxoxo 1:12pm / Awwwhhh my sweetie just sent me an e-card with a teddy bear in it! SO CUTE! 1:46pm
OK: Planning dinner for a first date. He likes Chinese food but I don’t know of any good restaurants in the area. Any suggestions?
GOOD: I just got engaged to Jesse Bradford. Sorry for keeping it a secret from you all but he wanted to be quiet until we’d been together a while. Here’s a picture of his schlong. Forgive me?
7) Posting your breakup stories. Ugh, it’s almost as bad as the mushy crap. Oh wow, so you’re back with that boyfriend of yours for the fourteenth time, congratulations. I guess that means I should clear my calendar next week for when you break up again. Oh, you broke up again because he cheated on you, stole your virginity, and all he left was a piece of lint and a gum wrapper. My condolences.
BAD: Well, you just read it.
OK: While it’s fine to mark yourself as “In a relationship” and then “Single” on Facebook – there is actually an option so that it doesn’t show up in everyone’s feed. So go ahead and set your status – after you’ve disabled it from showing.
GOOD: Actually the example story was pretty funny. If your breakup is hilarious – post about it!
I speel guud. Seriously – doesn’t your computer underline the words that are spelled wrong? It’s like the computer gods descended on your inadequate education and said “we apologize, here is a tool to make you look like less of a tool” and you ignored it. Also important is to know the difference between your/you’re, there/their/they’re; knowing that a lot is not one word, and so many other offensive mistakes that I won’t even bother listing them and instead I’ll just direct you to the website of one Grammar Girl.
BAD: you’re mom.
OK: If you are sloppy drunk and miss the keys, but manage to post something hilarious.
GOOD: Anytime you pull off a complete sentence without looking like a fool.
9) BREAKING NEWS: Tupac is dead! Seriously folks, unless you were there, quit trying to break the story. This happens several times a week now, especially with the rate celebrities are dropping off at. Things we already know, and probably knew before you posted your stupid status message: Michael Jackson died, Kanye West is a douche, President Obama agrees that Kanye West is a douche, Gmail went down…
BAD: Michael Jackson died! SO SAD!
OK: Just watched this plane head into the Hudson River from my office. <twitpic link to photo you actually took>
GOOD: Britney choked on an ice cube in her Jack and Coke at my restaurant just five minutes ago and passed out. I cleared her passageway and revived her and now she’s taking me on tour with her! Do you think these pills she gave me as a thank you are safe?
Look folks, it’s really common sense. Before you post something online, take a moment and ask yourself, “Will anybody find this even remotely interesting. If I shouted this out, completely at random, in a roomful of my friends and strangers, would they care?” If the answer is no, you are about to commit a turdcrime. That is, a crime of pooing all over the internet. Don’t take a dump on our happy electronic neuro-center and we’ll all be fine!
In other news, as I was writing this, I realized that some of my peeves overlapped with some outlined in this blog post over at Dangling Carrots. If you find yourself to be an offender of any of the bullet points here, you might want to continue your research over there
Disclaimer: Any violations to these rules by one BOOV are purely ironic and/or caused by an unnerving level of exposure to real-world examples. None of the examples provided are real and are purely provided for illustrative purposes. Except for slapping Henry Grubstick’s arse. That really happened. Also, everyone breaks these rules, including myself. It’s funny – don’t stress
Last night, someone (I honestly can not remember who) actually made note of the fact that I haven’t been updating as much recently. After I paused in a moment of confusion at the thought that anyone actually looks at these pages, I explained that I’ve simply been quite busy. I guess I’ll write a little journal post to make up for the lack of nonsense “music” videos, tank-riding-buddah-baby pictures, and men 200x hotter than me posts.
Last week I saw a couple concerts. The first was Jay Brannan. I know he isn’t the most popular with everyone, and perhaps that is part of the charm. His show was pretty good. The songs actually sounded almost exactly like the recorded tracks do. That is a good thing because I think he is a great artist, but also somewhat disappointing that there wasn’t anything more to them in person. At least between songs he joked with the audience. The real surprise though was his opener. Her name is Rachel Zylstra and she was fantastically amazing. Her music was quirky without being tacky which always grabs my attention. Her voice was beautiful. Her stage presence spot on. She gripped the attention of an audience where I imagine few had any clue who she was.
On Saturday I saw one of my all-time favorites – Cowboy Mouth. If you aren’t familiar with their music, shame on you. The band has been around forever (since 1990 anyway). Admittedly, they have very few songs that anyone has probably heard unless you know one of their fans, who tend to be pretty rabid about them, and with good reason. Anyone who has seen one of their shows knows that these guys (and gal) are some of the best live performers in existence. The only concert I’ve had more fun at than a Cowboy Mouth concert is Third Eye Blind.
Speaking of Third Eye Blind, I am quite excited to find out that they have a new album coming out. Even more exciting – Kimya Dawson is featured on it! WOW. Can. Not. Wait. You can hear a short snippit of “Why Can’t You Be” on MySpace (ughh Crapsite).
Tuesday I went to the Chicago Outdoor Film Festival with some friends to see Duck Soup. Firstly – this was my first COFF experience, and I can not imagine a better group of people to go with. Secondly, Duck Soup is an amazing movie and everyone needs to go watch it. RIGHT NOW! Thirdly, they (I’m not really sure who) handed out (hopefully) over 5,000 “Groucho Marx” glasses to attempt to have the largest group of people to ever do this at once. The former record holder (yes, this is an existing record) is somewhere in Missouri. Well, at least they have that…
Of course amongst all these things I was visiting with my friend Scott who was in town from Las Vegas, boating, going to birthday parties, making a fool of myself at a bar night named “Boys Room” and who knows what other debaucherous (spell check tells me that isn’t a word but I don’t care) things. Oh, and working my ass off!
Of course, now I have a backlog of uninteresting things to bombard you with so expect the next week to be absolutely titillating.
