I promise I’ll do a more original post soon, but I was born on Thanksgiving, so I feel that I should speak with authority on this topic: Things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.

1. ME! If it weren’t for Thanksgiving, I wouldn’t be here. Seriously. I know some of you are thinking “if Thanksgiving didn’t exist, you would have been born on another day.” You are wrong! If Thanksgiving didn’t exist, I would be lost in oblivion. My Mom would have been pregnant one day, and the next she would have been back to her original size, without child. It’s like that time David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear. Except way less rad.
2. Not getting salmonella poisoning. Oh yes, that turkey you are about to eat is just crawling with bacteria. I’m very thankful every time I eat a turkey and don’t have raging diarrhea and voluminous vomit immediately thereafter.
3. Shampoo commercials. That’s where I got the idea to use “voluminous” in a sentence. It was a challenge. Jordan: I challenge you to use the word voluminous in a sentence and have it not be all Hairography and such.
4. Glee! True Gleeks will understand the connection between #3 and #4. If you don’t, boo at you!
5. Parmesan cheese and brown sugar (not together). There’s not a thing on this planet that can’t be made better with the addition of one of these two magical food groups. You can try to defy me, but I wouldn’t recommend it.
6. Having a job. I have a job so I am thankful for this. If you don’t have a job I recommend that you be thankful for something else. Like free time to paint, or being able to get drunk at 1pm on a Tuesday without getting fired.
7. The internet. What would you do without it!?
8. Stuffing. It’s the best part of Thanksgiving that isn’t me. Love it with your tongue long time.

But most of all, be thankful for your friends and family. The people who every day of the year share in your happiness, deal with your issues, support and love you, grow with you, and other sappy things as well. They’re the reason Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

Happy Thanksgiving, folks!