This is not to say that I’m never annoying in my “social media” ways – but seriously, some people need to get a clue. Thankfully, here I am to provide one! I present to you: Jordan’s Tips to Avoid Being an Online Nincompoop.
1) Whatever TV show you are watching – nobody cares. Seriously. Unless you are watching a never-before-aired episode of Star Trek: Voyager, I could give two hoots about what you’re doing with the boob tube.
BAD: Just watched the season finale of True Blood. I can’t believe that _______ happened!
OK: Having some folks over tonight to watch Desperate Housewives and drink that case of wine I just bought. Text me if you’d like to join.
GOOD: Just watched the most amazing documentary on the reign of Queen Nefertiti on the History Channel. I found it streaming online, here’s the link.
2) Dumbledore dies. STOP POSTING SPOILERS. You wouldn’t run around the train or bar giving away the ending – don’t do it online. The next person I see posting a spoiler within a week of the release/airtime is going to have the pleasure of receiving daily spoilers from me.
BAD: Any spoilers
OK: Screaming the spoilers into your pillow
GOOD: Keeping your fat mouth shut
3) Display your year of birth / age on your profile. You aren’t fooling anyone. If you don’t have this piece of information there are either too options: you are too young to drink or too old to stay up past 9pm. Quit being so self-conscious about it.
BAD: 11/24 – I’m older than I look! Must be those jeans.
(Ugh – I hate when people mix up genes/jeans)
OK: 11/24/1983
GOOD: 11/24/1983, my SSN is 595-29-8393, I live at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, Washington, DC, and my mother’s last name is Zbornak.
4) “Heading to the gym to work on my legs.” Wonderful. When you’re done working those legs can you give me a piggy back ride to the store? Since you’re so strong and all… It’s great that you work out but unless it’s your first time at the gym or you sweated to the oldies with Richard Simmons himself, it probably isn’t that relevant to anyone online. There is an exception. The Nike + iPod is a freaking crazy great invention and if you let it sync up that is kinda cool.
BAD: I already gave the example.
OK: Just got back to the gym after 6 months on the crutch. My trainer asked me out on a date! Where should we go?
GOOD: Just joined a new gym, the guys there are so hot, check out this one that looks like Zac Efron that I snapped on his way out of the pool.
5) Going to work, Zzzzzzz, eating dinner, etc. There better be something more interesting to it or don’t bother. Here’s an example:
BAD: At work, can’t wait to go home! Posted at 9am.
OK: Just got into work- three hours late and hungover! Going to need a drink again after work – who’s in?
GOOD: Just got in a fight with my boss at work over his stupid tweets. I slapped him and walked out, but not before grabbing that hot accountants ass. Anyone hiring?
6) Posting your relationship status or how much you are in love with your lover. BARF. If I wanted to witness all sorts of lubby-dubby I would go to Steamworks where all the magic happens. But I don’t so I don’t!
BAD: Jordan BOOV is in a relationship with Hando Righto. 12:29pm. / I LOVE MY BABY, HE’S SO CUDDLY AND CUTE! MWAH! 12:41pm / Can’t wait to get home and play with my baby *teehee* xoxoxo 1:12pm / Awwwhhh my sweetie just sent me an e-card with a teddy bear in it! SO CUTE! 1:46pm
OK: Planning dinner for a first date. He likes Chinese food but I don’t know of any good restaurants in the area. Any suggestions?
GOOD: I just got engaged to Jesse Bradford. Sorry for keeping it a secret from you all but he wanted to be quiet until we’d been together a while. Here’s a picture of his schlong. Forgive me?
7) Posting your breakup stories. Ugh, it’s almost as bad as the mushy crap. Oh wow, so you’re back with that boyfriend of yours for the fourteenth time, congratulations. I guess that means I should clear my calendar next week for when you break up again. Oh, you broke up again because he cheated on you, stole your virginity, and all he left was a piece of lint and a gum wrapper. My condolences.
BAD: Well, you just read it.
OK: While it’s fine to mark yourself as “In a relationship” and then “Single” on Facebook – there is actually an option so that it doesn’t show up in everyone’s feed. So go ahead and set your status – after you’ve disabled it from showing.
GOOD: Actually the example story was pretty funny. If your breakup is hilarious – post about it!
I speel guud. Seriously – doesn’t your computer underline the words that are spelled wrong? It’s like the computer gods descended on your inadequate education and said “we apologize, here is a tool to make you look like less of a tool” and you ignored it. Also important is to know the difference between your/you’re, there/their/they’re; knowing that a lot is not one word, and so many other offensive mistakes that I won’t even bother listing them and instead I’ll just direct you to the website of one Grammar Girl.
BAD: you’re mom.
OK: If you are sloppy drunk and miss the keys, but manage to post something hilarious.
GOOD: Anytime you pull off a complete sentence without looking like a fool.
9) BREAKING NEWS: Tupac is dead! Seriously folks, unless you were there, quit trying to break the story. This happens several times a week now, especially with the rate celebrities are dropping off at. Things we already know, and probably knew before you posted your stupid status message: Michael Jackson died, Kanye West is a douche, President Obama agrees that Kanye West is a douche, Gmail went down…
BAD: Michael Jackson died! SO SAD!
OK: Just watched this plane head into the Hudson River from my office. <twitpic link to photo you actually took>
GOOD: Britney choked on an ice cube in her Jack and Coke at my restaurant just five minutes ago and passed out. I cleared her passageway and revived her and now she’s taking me on tour with her! Do you think these pills she gave me as a thank you are safe?
Look folks, it’s really common sense. Before you post something online, take a moment and ask yourself, “Will anybody find this even remotely interesting. If I shouted this out, completely at random, in a roomful of my friends and strangers, would they care?” If the answer is no, you are about to commit a turdcrime. That is, a crime of pooing all over the internet. Don’t take a dump on our happy electronic neuro-center and we’ll all be fine!
In other news, as I was writing this, I realized that some of my peeves overlapped with some outlined in this blog post over at Dangling Carrots. If you find yourself to be an offender of any of the bullet points here, you might want to continue your research over there 
Disclaimer: Any violations to these rules by one BOOV are purely ironic and/or caused by an unnerving level of exposure to real-world examples. None of the examples provided are real and are purely provided for illustrative purposes. Except for slapping Henry Grubstick’s arse. That really happened. Also, everyone breaks these rules, including myself. It’s funny – don’t stress
